Dying Embers

The title of this post was for the one I wrote before I cried 5 times yesterday, 2 times at home, 3 times at Sunway. It was certainly an emotional day for me yesterday. I knew I shouldn't have started in the first place. Once the waterworks begin, it becomes so difficult to stop. Never thought tears had momentum in the first place.

I was really angry with everything. I can't say how much of that anger was directed towards myself (for not being strong enough to accept and move on) and how much it was to Dr.Joyce, my research lecturer who also happens to be the same person who failed half my class in Financial and Corporate Reporting 2.

It took (i dunno..maybe..) 1 litre of tears for me to realize enough is enough. Maybe the momentum had died or maybe my eyes were just so heavy and fried. I was just so tired of being angry.

If you ask me now do I still hate or blame her, it's going to be a yes. always a yes. I think my brain has made that a default setting. Any lecturer like that one shouldn't really be one. We worked so so so hard for research... so so soooo hard. I sincerely cannot express it anymore than that. And no matter how many times she tried to tell me it's not just about working hard, I couldn't buy it. It couldn't be that reason why. It just couldn't. Because I truly believe we deserved more.

More marks? maybe no. maybe we failed in some way that I couldn't have known.. but you could right? the number of times we show you our work. Piece by piece. Chapter by chapter.. and when you said yes, it's good.. not bad.. did you mean for us to score an average B? did you think we could only manage a B?

what did I do in any way that gave you the impression that I was aiming for a B? what did i do?

I was really really beaten yesterday. I kept on thinking why didn't she push us? and if she saw such a big problem with our paper why didn't she say anything??? 28.5/50. why didn't she say anything? some of us needed the marks for our scholarship. some of us really counted on it to achieve a higher class. some of us really promised the others that if all others fail this one would work..

and all she said was, "64 is alright! you should be happy.."

I felt like making a happy tree friends movie with her in it >.<

No joke. My mom might even sponsor.

Haih.. but after shedding every ounce of water in my body, i finally had enough. Mr.David actually messaged me and apologize for not being able to be there. Gosh.. my red blotches on my face must have been so terrible. I felt really bad. For my face @_@ and for him. He shouldn't need to feel that way at all and maybe I was being overly expressive ;_;

He told me never cry never say die. whatever it is.. win or lose you will be better than you were today.

I couldn't promise him about the crying bit. lol.. urgh... the dam in my eyes are Malaysian made. But I promised him one.. that I will never give up. Never. Not even for Dr.Joyce or anyone cruelly similar. I will never give up!

... and corporate finance is my next finish line.